Perfectionism.

The definition of perfectionism: the beliefs that any work output that is less than "perfect" is unacceptable. Belief that one could and should attain perfection in one or all aspects of the individuals life. In psychology, someone who has "unrealistic" ideas of perfection and engages in maladaptive behaviors in effort to obtain the unrealistic perfection. for these individuals, when the perfect self is not obtained their sense of self is affected causing poor self esteem and inferiority. For some, perfection is something they hope to obtain and the problem en-lies, it is said that "no one is perfect", but is it so bad to try to be?

Okay, so for those who know me, I am a perfectionist. I give everything into what I do and I do not feel accomplished unless it feels like it is perfect. But that is just work, school, etc. In my home life it goes further, especially now that I don't have to worry about cleaning up after someone who is not. To give you a small glimpse; I organize everything lately, make-up, clothes, books, movies, music, papers. There has got to be order to everything, or I feel chaotic. It serves a purpose. It's hygienic and it gives me a sense of control when I feel I am not. My problem is that I take it too far. It permeates self worth. So I am evaluating this a little each day and trying to find small ways to see something as not perfect in my life and try to be okay with that. However, it's not working well. The more I notice, the more I have to control it. Uhg.... Okay, so final thoughts?

I recently became aware of how dangerous my obsession with trying to be perfect became. I have EDNOS, which is mainly Anorexia, but I don't meet the BMI requirements (under 15). I have been so much better with it, but now that I have said it out in cyberland, I know others will be conscious of the issue which may reinforce accountability. Especially since I am very broke with little food in the house, which makes it even easier to restrict myself. Also, I have no one here to pester me about if I ate today or not. But you know what? I am eating! Maybe not where I should, but I am heading there. Recovery is a process, long but in the end worth it!

I keep forgetting

As a part of the learning process, I must learn to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. Seems I am very expressive about how I feel and I think to an extent that is alright. What is not alright is for mixed signals about how I feel or interpreting them to mean something else. I am very tired of hearing about people having "theories" or "ideas" about why Jason and I split. So to those of you who have taken the responsibility on yourself to feel qualified enough to interpret our actions and decide what out motives are, please save it for your own good thought. Your thoughts and theories are not reality. And, I certainly am not interested. I know some of you are well meaning, but please don't pathologize me. I will determine what I think, feel, and will not interpret that to mean something more or something else. Thank you anyways, I have a therapist and even she does not do that.

Now the problem en lies that I do wear my heart on my sleeve. It may not seem like I take things personal because I portray strength in public. But the reality is it does affect me. I am human, I do have emotions. So to those of you who are just reading this and interpreting everything, maybe you should try calling me and hearing what I have to say. There is no drama between Jason and I until other people start creating it. We have a mutual understanding to separate. And we are very supportive of each other. Despite this, we love each other deeply and always will whether this works itself out or not. The door is not closed, but it's not exactly open either. We need to individualize ourselves and figure out what is best for the self and stop compromising that. People change, they grow in different directions. We have acknowledge this and it hurts, but it is what it is.

While I keep forgetting to take my heart off my sleeve, I also don't want to become cold. So I have decided to get involved in volunteer work, find something fulfilling to me that nurtures my spirit. I hope you want to be with me on this journey, but if you do then leave the interpretations to the qualified people (and even they are wrong at times, its all subjective!).

A year of movies in review.

This is the last day in 2008 and the last day for movies to make their water-stained mark on the year to get a last minute bid for the Oscars. BTW doesn't it always seems that most of the movies nominated at the Oscars are movies that are done with production in that year, but not released to the public until the next year? I think those movies should have to wait until the appropriate year for their chance at the Oscars. It seems like the best time to release your film is now so that way it can get an Oscar bid. Anyways, here are my picks for the years best, and I only do a few categories, because honestly lets face it, not all categories are interesting.





Best Actor in a Drama



Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man. His performance is flawless and he nails Tony Stark's manurisms. I cannot think of any actor that would have played the role more acurately.















Best Supporting Actor in a Drama













Heath Ledger as the Joker in The Dark Knight. 'Nuff said.




















Best Actor in a Comedy

Brad Pitt in Burn After Reading. Pitt plays a classic jockey airhead in this movie that has everyone up in arms over, well nothing.

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy

James Franco in Pineapple Express. Franco seems to have a natural talent as this stoner in Pineapple Express.

Best Actress in a Drama

Angelina Jolie steals the spotlight in Changeling.

Best Actress in a Comedy

Elizabeth Banks in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. I have a feeling we have not seen the last of this comedy princess.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama

Amy Adams in Doubt. Adams shows that she is more than just a cute face for Disney movies in this suspense driven film.

Best Supporting Acress in a Comedy

Amy Poehler in Baby Mama is the cream to Fey's coffee.

and lastly...

Best Movie of 2008

Just a quick thought...

So what to do while on Christmas break form school? It seems to be a boring time of the year for me, once the holidays are over. It just feels like I am sitting and waiting for school to restart. So what have I done? Well you see the answer is simple, I have done nothing and now I am actually bored with doing nothing. I can only play so much Playstation before I really want to implode. I would love to get my scrapbooking stuff out, but I dont dare because I have an addiction to it. (Also I just do not have the space to "spread out") I really want to go and play volleyball, but I have to wait another week. Uhg!

On another note, Eleanor is growing and so is my belly. I can feel her move almost constantly and it is almost to the point where you can see her move inside me. It is an incredible feeling! She also made out like a banshee for xmas, even though she has not graced us with her presence yet. I am relly temped to post pictures of all the cute little pink outfits that we have accumulated for her, but I fear that would make me an obsessed parent, and also not always interesting for a reader. I hope that she is very girly in a way that I was not. I want her to be feminine yet strongwilled and not ditsy. My mother-in-law thinks she is going to become a tomboy to despite me. But according to Watsonian behaviorism, I can raise her to be literally anything I desire through conditioning, right? I guess that is another topic for later discussion.

I think it is nap time...

Marriage and the End of the World

On Monday I was listening to NPR, as I usually do, and they had a clip about the statement Pope Benedict the something made from the Vatican about the church's stance on gay marriage. I must say I was rather shocked to hear their view. He made the statement that we must "save the world from homosexuality and transsexual behavior" and further stated that it was "self-destructive to mankind." Claims from the church have also stated that same-sex marriages would bring an end to the mankind since it is only a man and a woman that can reproduce to keep the Earth populated.

The Mundane View
It appears that the Vatican as well as many other religious organizations have some homophobic fear that if we allow same-sex couples to marry that everyone in the world will become gay and marry and that there will be no more reproduction. If same-sex marriage is legalized in my state or country, I am certainly not going to divorce my husband and marry my best girlfriend. Why is this view clinched to so tightly? There is a small percentage of people in the world that would define themselves as homosexuals and of that population an even smaller amount that desire to get married. Certainly this small population of people could not bring about the extinction of mankind as Pope Benedict fears it may. So it seems that there must be another reason for not allowing same-sex marriages other than it will "destroy mankind." (which by the way we should probably be PC and say humankind, but it is not my statement...)

What do I think is the reason we will not allow same-sex marriages? One word describes it... DESCRIMINATION against a minority group of people. Same way Black Americans have been descriminated against, or women, or any other oppressed group in history. Is it wrong to be a different nationality? Certainly not, so why is it wrong to be a different sexuality? I think it is because people fear what they cannot comprehend. Then they choose diferent artifacts to stand behind that "back up their opinions" and "prove that it is wrong." One example is the Bible. It has been the center of defense against anti-homosexuality. But I see it misquoted constantly and people use certain parts of the Bible for their own beliefs yet omitt the one that do not fit into their neatly formed constructs of what is good and what is not good. And it really bothers me when people solely referrence the Old Testament. In the New Testament Jesus redefines Christianity and says that love is the path to God. But people interpret love to mean what they want it to mean. Love between a man and a woman. I am sure if I had the time I could do some research on commonly quoted scripture and find all sorts of references and how they condem this or that, but if love is the message why is that the one that has been forgotten? Maybe soon we will have the next big civil rights movement and I always think that it will be either the mentally ill population (which I am sure I will write about soon) or the homosexual population. A revolution is already brewing in California... hopefully we do not continue to oppress these PEOPLE!

Just Finished!

I just completed the first book that I have read for enjoyment in a long time! I started reading Dan Brown's Angels and Demons a few years back and was never able to finish it. Upon hearing about the up coming theatrical release of Angels and Demons I figured it was time to read the damn book. It was so good I devoured it! I like the way Brown combine suspense with historical quifs that grab the readers attention. Especially if you have some idea about the topic.
I have read the DaVinci Code and I thought it was a good read as well, but the theatrical adaptation I was not so keen about. Hopefully this one will be better.