Perfectionism.

The definition of perfectionism: the beliefs that any work output that is less than "perfect" is unacceptable. Belief that one could and should attain perfection in one or all aspects of the individuals life. In psychology, someone who has "unrealistic" ideas of perfection and engages in maladaptive behaviors in effort to obtain the unrealistic perfection. for these individuals, when the perfect self is not obtained their sense of self is affected causing poor self esteem and inferiority. For some, perfection is something they hope to obtain and the problem en-lies, it is said that "no one is perfect", but is it so bad to try to be?

Okay, so for those who know me, I am a perfectionist. I give everything into what I do and I do not feel accomplished unless it feels like it is perfect. But that is just work, school, etc. In my home life it goes further, especially now that I don't have to worry about cleaning up after someone who is not. To give you a small glimpse; I organize everything lately, make-up, clothes, books, movies, music, papers. There has got to be order to everything, or I feel chaotic. It serves a purpose. It's hygienic and it gives me a sense of control when I feel I am not. My problem is that I take it too far. It permeates self worth. So I am evaluating this a little each day and trying to find small ways to see something as not perfect in my life and try to be okay with that. However, it's not working well. The more I notice, the more I have to control it. Uhg.... Okay, so final thoughts?

I recently became aware of how dangerous my obsession with trying to be perfect became. I have EDNOS, which is mainly Anorexia, but I don't meet the BMI requirements (under 15). I have been so much better with it, but now that I have said it out in cyberland, I know others will be conscious of the issue which may reinforce accountability. Especially since I am very broke with little food in the house, which makes it even easier to restrict myself. Also, I have no one here to pester me about if I ate today or not. But you know what? I am eating! Maybe not where I should, but I am heading there. Recovery is a process, long but in the end worth it!

I keep forgetting

As a part of the learning process, I must learn to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. Seems I am very expressive about how I feel and I think to an extent that is alright. What is not alright is for mixed signals about how I feel or interpreting them to mean something else. I am very tired of hearing about people having "theories" or "ideas" about why Jason and I split. So to those of you who have taken the responsibility on yourself to feel qualified enough to interpret our actions and decide what out motives are, please save it for your own good thought. Your thoughts and theories are not reality. And, I certainly am not interested. I know some of you are well meaning, but please don't pathologize me. I will determine what I think, feel, and will not interpret that to mean something more or something else. Thank you anyways, I have a therapist and even she does not do that.

Now the problem en lies that I do wear my heart on my sleeve. It may not seem like I take things personal because I portray strength in public. But the reality is it does affect me. I am human, I do have emotions. So to those of you who are just reading this and interpreting everything, maybe you should try calling me and hearing what I have to say. There is no drama between Jason and I until other people start creating it. We have a mutual understanding to separate. And we are very supportive of each other. Despite this, we love each other deeply and always will whether this works itself out or not. The door is not closed, but it's not exactly open either. We need to individualize ourselves and figure out what is best for the self and stop compromising that. People change, they grow in different directions. We have acknowledge this and it hurts, but it is what it is.

While I keep forgetting to take my heart off my sleeve, I also don't want to become cold. So I have decided to get involved in volunteer work, find something fulfilling to me that nurtures my spirit. I hope you want to be with me on this journey, but if you do then leave the interpretations to the qualified people (and even they are wrong at times, its all subjective!).